Titan AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!

In 1985, William Malone (who would someday direct the remake of House on Haunted Hill) gave us Creature.  It tells the tale of an expedition to Jupiter’s moon Titan.  They received a report of a something going wrong at a research colony.  One of the events early on is a young woman sensing she is going to die-so she wants to jump a guy’s bones.  When they arrive on Titan, they discover a lot of corpses and a monster kills her.

They run into the lone survivor played by Klaus Kinski.  So, yeah, you know they will not fix the ship and just go home.  If Klaus shows up at your party?  Things are going to get bad.

Remember how Alien had all these distinctive characters, who had individual responses to the situation and you were not hoping they would all die?  Creature takes a different approach.  The films characters are pretty generic worried people.  One guy slips out of the ship-believing his dead girlfriend is calling out to him for help.  He sees her naked on the surface of the moon.  Which, should be a sign that something is wrong.  But she’s naked, so, he figures that it must be okay.   She rips off his helmet and kisses him to death.  Then she places some bug on his head that uses him like a puppet to lure everyone else back to Klaus’ ship.  Someone actually claims that this means it must be safe.

The creature, by the way, was part of some alien civilization’s monster collection.  So, it puppets some of it’s victims around and eats others.  That’s all I can really tell.  It is ultimately another Alien knockoff…and not a very good one at that.  There really is nobody to root for or identify with.  In a better movie?  The entire cast are the people who die in the opening moments of the film.  The characters actually get their idea from the movie the Thing From Another World.  Seriously.  How often do movies in the future say, “Let’s rip our finale off from a real movie-and let’s alert the audience!”  Is this supposed to make the film…smart?  There have been episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place that are more thought out.

One character suddenly shows up after disappearing for over an hour.  The character’s explanation?  They got lost.  Oh well.  Just watch Alien again.  It does all of this stuff better.

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