Daily Archive

Heath Ledger, the new Joker?  Found dead today.

I find that sad.

In my car as it spun through the ice. My life was passing before my eyes…

Really? I watch to much TV. But anyways, back to my life passing before my eyes (which led to said revelation about TV). Something occurred to me. What the heck was with my boring life? Seriously…where were the things great religious testimonies are made of?!

1.No Drug or Alcohol Abuse
First I noticed a tremendous lack of drugs at all. No cocaine, smack, acid… not even marijuana! And while I have had a beer here and there, and some wine or champagne? No liver killing addiction. Heck, while I have had couple times of feeling a slight buzz (and that is maybe…twice in my life) I have never really drank to excess. So, I don’t get to twelve step it. I don’t get to talk about how my religion saved me from the demon of drugs and alcohol. Strike one.

2.No Sex
Nope. Not one tawdry one night stand. Ever. No line of women who I used and tossed aside. No series of broken hearts of women I used for my pleasure and then walked away from. So I can’t tell the torrid tales of how empty I felt after sleeping around and then I met Jesus who “re-virginized me”.

3.No Gay Sex
In another unfair moment in life, I was born heterosexual, feeling attraction to women instead of men. Now many people would argue that this is “okay”, it is not my fault that nature/God designed me that way. My attraction toward female people is out of my hands. But what that means is I have no tales to tell about how God “fixed” me and that I like women now. And that means no inevitable scandal where I “relapse” in to gayness, go into therapy and then grant interviews to tell everyone how I am no longer gay (again) and that I am happily married to a woman. So I could not be gay. Now THAT’S a testimony, people!

4.Never Killed A Person
Hard to believe as it may be? I have never killed a person. In cold blood or otherwise. I mean, sometimes, you can tie that to the drugs thing. You know, “I was driving drunk and killed a family of eighteen on their way home from a prayer meeting and I saw the light!” Or it can be all on it’s own. “I killed them cute co-ed because I hated my mother, but then Jesus opened my eyes to the evil I was doing!” Repenting of murder makes for a great front page testimony. And TV and Radio preachers will line up to interview you. Tie in strippers, pornography, video games and horror movies to your motives? Morality crusaders will be busting down the door to be your friend.

5.Never a Satanist or Atheist
No that the two are the same thing at all. Sure, folks like Pat Robertson might not see a difference…but I sure do. I mean, you can trust a Satanist, how can you trust an atheist? I mean, man, they have nothing to base their “morality” on! But seriously, in the 80’s? Nothing was considered more hip than declaring to a Church you were a former Satanist who saw the error of your ways, repented and joined Jesus’ side (the winning side of course!). Of course, it never seemed like people wanted to so much hear about the conversions…they wanted to hear about that evil lifestyle you led. The naughtier the better. Tell us all about that black mass! Sacrificed babies? Had sex with naked virgin girls on altars? Used magic spells and hexed famous television and radio preachers? Tell it to us all!!! But what also appeals is that we like that argument that a really EVIL person (you know, the satanist!) saw Christianity as their exact opposite-totally GOOD. Validation, baby! Second best was the Atheist turned Christian. That is still popular, because while we Christians talk about faith in things unseen, we really like it when we have scientist or someone who relied on “rational thought” suddenly join our side. Because, for all our talk about faith? We like the idea that we can claim that scientists and other rational thinkers see it our way. We see it as validation that our faith has been proven unassailable. People who rely on logic saw Christianity as the “most logical choice”, so, there! Seriously, if Richard Dawkin’s converted? He would be canonized as a saint! Either way, I could guarantee myself a sweet book deal through a Christian publisher (see Mike Warnke or Chuck Swindoll).

But as my car spun wildly towards that giant metal pole, I realized what a sham my life has been one big sham. I have no great “witness” stories to tell, nothing amazing has happened, and now I am about to get mangled by a giant lamp post. Suddenly, the sky split open, angels flew down, landing between my car and the rapidly approaching lamp post. They caught the car, much like Spider-Man and the train in Spider-Man 2. The angels brought the car to a halt, less than an inch from said pole. Then they lifted the car into the air, gently setting it back in an empty lane of traffic. I started the car back up, and drove home, the angels hovering just overhead until I pulled into my garage. The angels joined me for some nachos and we all sat on the couch watching Rush Hour 3. After the angels left, I thought back to the events of the day, and could not help but think, “If only I was a murderer or an ex-porn star. Then I would have something exciting and life changing to tell people about faith and Christianity.”

Sigh.